Worst Valentines Day Ever
by afrit357
Summary: My belated valentines day fic I got tired of sitting on top of until 2016. Angel tries to look her best when Stitch asks her out for dinner at a fancy restaurant.


If the sickeningly sweet smells, putrid perfumes, and abundance anatomically incorrect hearts didn't give away the holiday then surely the extra mass of terrible poetry from love struck fans gave it away. Not to say that Angel didn't like fan letters, sweets or perfumes but it was all so tacky- except for the poetry which was steadily becoming more and more personal and disturbing. Angel answered a few of her less creepily devoted fans in her online chat room and marked a few more for a potential restraining order before logging onto her actual, personal account and amidst the spam of Dru'g princes asking for a bank account numbers, the advertisements for male enhancement that she made her either laugh hysterically or foam at the mouth in rage (the fact that she was regularly confused by some other cultures as a man due to basic biology left her temper at a constant simmer), and the various ads for hooking up she found the messages she had actually been dreading and wanting. With a slight nostalgic smile she clicked the e-mail from ultimatesandwichlover and an image of a Reuben sandwich cut into a heart shape with the words "You're to bacon to my tomato in the BLT of my life the turkey and ham on my Monte Cristo and the sauerkraut to my corned beef. Will you be my valentine?" written underneath.

Angel briefly wondered if all the experiments (except her, naturally) inherited Jumba's lack of finesse with the written word. It made her ashamed for Reuben humiliating himself and made her ashamed for herself for ever liking Reuben's poetry but because it was poetry and women were supposed to fall in love with men with an artistic soul…or something she felt some weird cultural obligation to fall in love (or pretend anyway) even if the only thing hammier and cheesier than Reuben's ham and cheese sandwiches was Reuben's prose. Thankfully that was all in the past (when she wasn't denying it had ever happened) and now she would be spending the next few hours thinking of how to let him down lightly. He was after all a sweet soul even if he did trick her into singing her song by lying to her, even if he did help keep her locked away in her glass tube prison, even if he worked with a maniacal sociopathic rodent that tried to get her and her "cousins" killed, even when he had his bad boy phase and completely ignored her cries for help as she was carted in a glass tube as bait to capture Stitch. Suddenly, her smile vanished and she hastily replied, "Ika Patooka!" and not a moment after she received another e-mail, "That's not a 'no'." Angel massaged the area around her antennae and deleted the message entirely. Determined not to let the entire day be ruined by a single pig headed would-be lover she scrolled down the list of messages until she came across one 626supreme. A small smile spread across her lips. The message read, "Meega would like to invite you to a Valentines Day Dinner at La Sirene." Angel did a double take, Stitch was asking her to a fancy restaurant (it had to be fancy it was French…or well...French sounding!) what on Earth could be happening in his head? Was he going to propose? Angel's mind raced with possibilities that ran the gamut from the small to the absurd. She shook her head to end her spout of daydreaming. It was sure to be the most romantic night of her life and she was going to be the most beautiful female at that restaurant…if only she had a proper dress…and makeup…and high heels. Suddenly, she had a lot of shopping to do.

The makeup was difficult, there were no products meant for furry species so after nearly an hour of time wasted gazing and gawking at the assortment of lipstick, mascara, and ind'rvirs (don't ask just know it's only applicable to you if you have bioluminescent scales) she just took what looked best to her. The dress was worse, for there was no size that fit her unless she tried out the children's section. Why did every biped mammal except for hers have to have breasts? After wasting another two hours she just took the best looking dress she could find. The shoes were the worst, she couldn't keep from falling over as her stubby feet never fit right, always sliding down to the front of the high heel. For over two hours she became quite familiar with the floor of many a shopping center. The day wore on but she still had a few hours she started with what should be the easiest task...applying lipstick. She paused when she realized that she didn't technically have any lips. After some confusion she traced around the outside of her mouth with the lipstick in a typical image of the pursed lips of a human kiss, it was a terrible mess as it stuck to her fur in globs and looked more like she was cosplaying as a clown. She tried scrubbing her fur free of the mess but a slight shadow of the application remained no matter how hard she scrubbed. She settled on making an approximation of what it typically looked like on television when a woman puts on makeup. The lipstick still congealed on her fur but it did look better than her last attempt. The mascara was a bit much for someone only one eyelash but it worked. The eyeshadow on the other paw…it was a sparkly blue that clashed with the light pink brow and by the time she finished putting it on she had the entire ring around her eyes an incredibly bright shade of blue that only enforced the clown look. The dress was the most time consuming of all the wardrobe to prepare. She cut it short with scissors but in her haste she didn't use proper technique leaving the cut part looking horribly uneven. When she found the size acceptable she gazed at her reflection in the mirror, there was a great deal of empty space and only a half hour left til' the date so she picked up a few odds and ends, particularly socks until she filled out the dress acceptably. The shoes were as annoying as ever but so long as she maintained a certain gait she could maintain her balance even if she looked constipated throughout the whole ordeal. After a great deal of slipping and help from the valet she finally made it to her ship.

Stitch waited on the sidewalk a few minutes prior to the appointment knowing that Angel was always either early or on time for dates. He shifted irritably in a pair of human shoes meant for special occasions that were squeezing his feet and noticeably flopped with every step and tap as he fidgeted. Stitch irritably scratched his neck absolutely certain after today that he was allergic to informal attire. When he spotted a red hovercar he brightened considerably. Rushing to open the door he was shocked to find in Angel in such a bizarre state. With all the elegance and grace of an elephant after a bender Angel stumbled out of the car and onto Stitch who was shocked still by the sight of his boocheeboo dressed and in full make up so much that he barely noticed her using his shoulders to balance herself as she adjusted her shoes. "Well, boocheeboo, what do you think?" He was speech less for so long she suspected she might have somehow pulled it off. "Fine. You look fine." Stitch spoke so emotionlessly every word seemed strike her with its disingenuousness. She grumbled. They tried to leave the keys with the valet but upon seeing Angel his childhood fear of clowns welled up and he darted away from the two lovebirds as quickly as possible screaming. After parking the vehicle herself and hobbling all the way back to the entrance, Stitch helping her along the way, even if he wasn't a gentle spirit he was always a gentleman to her. She gave him a small peck on the cheek for his trouble…and tried to rub off the lipstick that stuck to his fur. When they entered the establishment every eye within sight turned towards them and the embarrassment Angel felt ever since she arrived quintupled as the stares focused almost completely on her. The weight of their disgust and her humiliation wore her down as the moments passed by in accusatory silence except for the occasional person whispering something that she couldn't quite make out though her fear addled mind assumed recognized her. A well-dressed man standing behind a podium quirked an eyebrow in disbelief, "is this a joke? Some reality television prank crafted by crass millennials? I demand to speak with whoever is in charge?"

"Naga prank!" Stitch spoke up pleadingly, "meega Stitch! Meega have reservation for two!"

The man's suspicious glare didn't wane even as he found the name in the embroidered notebook, "look, my congratulations to the talented roboticist or puppetmaster pulling the strings but even if we did serve dogs they would have to be better dressed than that!" He gestured towards Angel whose insecurity boiled over as tears came unbidden from her eyes, she raced from the building only to crash onto the floor. With a curse in tantalog she pulled off her high heels and flung them carelessly before noticing that the stuffing in her dress had fallen out of the left side. She raised herself up her mascara running down her cheeks in dark streaks. Stitch finally shook himself free of the shock of Angel's outburst and his face twisted into a hateful snarling expression as he leaped onto the podium and lifted the man by his collar. The man could only make squeaking noises as he writhed and thrashed to futilely escape Stitch's grasp. A sorrowful whimper from Angel found its way to Stitch's ears and he promptly let go of the man who crumbled in a heap gasping for air. Stitch collected what she left behind and pursued her out the door.

All Angel could think about was how the situation could possibly get worse. As if the universe had no concept of rhetorical questions rain proceeded to pour from the sky. Kicking the ground and issuing a tantalog curse she set off for her vehicle with great haste. She arrived to her vehicle soaked to the bone only to remember that her dress didn't have any pockets so she let Stitch have the keys. Before she could tear off the door in a fit of rage she felt a paw on her shoulder. Stitch stood there awkwardly holding the stuffing that was once in her dress and her shoes. "Yuuga left these behind."

Angel's expression could best be described as flat but her lips eventually curled into a smile, "Taka, boojiboo." She took the items and Stitch opened the door to let her in but before she could take a step she was flustered by the flash of cameras. The paparazzi had arrived at one of the worst conceivable moments and Angel shielded herself from the photographs. Once again Stitch's patience waned and with reflexes he was unaware he had he snatched the offending devices from the crowd and promptly devoured them. When the paparazzi protested he heaved a nearby vehicle over his head like a flyswatter, "Ah-chooga moopa!" The crowd promptly dispersed and Stitch laid the car down with a grin of self-satisfaction his paw print embedded into the metallic frame. In Angel's vehicle she was sobbing over the disaster. "Sorry, boojiboo... Meega wanted this to be special."

Angel wiped her eyes and placed a hand on his shoulder, "It's not your fault."

"Taka," Stitch turned to her with a question on his lips he had wanted to ask since the beginning,

"but why all the makeup and shoes?"

"That's what yuuga supposed to wear to a fancy dinner, right? Yuuga have to look your best."

"But yuuga already perfect," that earned Stitch a peck on the cheek his fur slightly leaving a faded red mark. "Super serious clothes are choota." Stitch kicked off his shoes and almost tore off his tuxedo in his frustration. Now with better range of motion he stretched his arms. "That place was overrated, anyway. Meega have better idea, anyway."

The stars were beautiful that night, shining in all their glory Angel was resting against Stitch held by the two extra bottom arms. "Grape?" Stitch inquired.

"Taka." Stitch's top most arms gingerly dropped a grape into her mouth. It wasn't particularly expensive or fancy but it was definitely the best end to Valentine's Day she ever had.

A/N: So believe it or not but this was actually written before "Devil in Disguise" for Valentines day and there are a few other fics as well in the process of being written. Truthfully these fics only exist because in the process of writing my central fic I realized that there were gaps needing to be filled out to make it more meaningful. I blame the series for ignoring Angel and thus dooming the relationship of Angel/Stitch to the realm of satellite love interest and I blame the anime for much the same reason and also taking it further and turning Angel's character into this grotesque amalgam of every negative female stereotype imaginable. I feel it is also necessary to point out that this takes place during the anime. Before you hit me I'd like to add that the events of the anime (and every entry into the franchise to some extent) are considered partially canon. Yuna exists, Lilo had to leave Stitch behind for college but no yokai, Gantu and Reuben weren't tossed out of the Galactic Fedaration for karaoke and Hamsterviel is still in jail. Just imagine that instead of those three Delia was the central antagonist and had three thugs who played the part of the villainous trio throughout the events of the anime.


End file.
